FUCKEN

Let’s try this again yeah?

Countdown D;

In dire need of a ride to winter formal!!! :/

Take the jitters away yeah? And maybe replace them with some talent :D

I’m afraid of people’s incompetence. And sometimes it has nothing to do with me, while other times, it affects me TOO much :/

And I bitch and I moan, but that doesn’t take anything away. Just fucken stop…

You know that feeling when you develop a crush on someone, then EVERYTHING changes?? It’s really weird. You can usually go about your daily routine seeing this person and not putting too much thought into anything that goes on involving that specific person. But when a crush has set in, all hell breaks loose. You second-guess, you watch your wording, you question, you become jealous, everything is over-analyzed… At least, this is how I become. Every single time, I try to avoid the awkwardness I create, that’s one thing I have a hard time controlling.

You think, “hey, maybe there’s a chance.” Not knowing the significant other can possibly be saying the complete opposite. I’ve always thought that unrequited love is one of the harshest things to live through. To know that a person that you generally think is great thinks nothing of you. It’s just… I’m at a loss for words… Maybe horrible? Terrible? Neither seem like enough to describe that anguish.

I hate to expect shit only to be let down. Call me pessimistic. I figure it’s just easier to know and expect the bad things that can happen then to hope and wish for the best. Because when the bad does follow through, it doesn’t seem that bad, but when the good does miraculously happen, it’s better.

Sing to me.

Sing to me so that everything stops moving.

It was a weird dream indeed. I won’t be able to share all of the details (seeing as this was a dream and all and it’s hard for me to remember dreams completely) but I will try to share what I can.

I was walking home with you and we walked a weird path, like a way that we wouldn’t walk to get home, and we ran into some of your friends. I’m not sure which ones, but we also ran into some fucken boy you like or liked. He got you really heated, I’m not sure how, but you were in a pissed off/hurt/sad state. I know this because I tried to hug you and you pushed me away in a sort of fit of annoyance and frustration. We walked home and as I dropped you off I guess you needed some help in your house.

I went in and did whatever it was you asked me to do. I’m pretty sure it was something to do with lifting something heavy. I met your father, I’m not sure if he liked me or not. But it seems as if I left very quickly. Which was something that made me a bit sad.

As I was walking down and out of the house (which wasn’t your regular house by the way), you called me back for something. I don’t remember what though. I came back inside and saw others there, I’m guessing they were part of your family. I felt involved with those people and you. Someone was making food I guess, and I was in the kitchen helping with dishes, I remember adjusting the water temperature or something. Everything just felt so put together.

I saw little of you when spending time with your “family”. It was so weird, so I made a beeline toward you to find out what you were doing. I don’t remember how I found you, I just remember wanting to be close to you, respectfully, of course. You didn’t seem to mind it either, you welcomed it if anything.

I’ve wanted to be close to you for a while now, it was surreal to see it happening so quickly. We shared some moments, and you took me outside to show me a car you told me about. Perhaps from a previous dream. It was a work in progress, all torn up and messy on the inside, but I had no problem getting in it with you. We chatted, talked about I can’t remember what.

Besides other moments I can barely remember that were unimportant because they don’t really make sense. That was it. The dream ended. I woke up feeling really dumb. I know this would (probably) never happen. You and I, I mean. I know that the dream was just a giant tease and waking up from it was a saddening feeling. That hopeless feeling. I love you, I really do, and you love me. But that doesn’t mean you want that romantic relationship, at least not with me. I’m not necessarily fine with that, I just live with it.

In my opinion, dreams are just dreams sometimes. They don’t always mean something. The term dream can also be defined as a goal, or an aspiration… So, we’ll see :)

Inquisitively,
    MJR

People pay attention to the wrong things. People ask for the wrong things. People look for the wrong things. People say the wrong things.

My tumblr is incredibly boring. Sorry I don’t put up other people’s shit. Although I could stand to put more of MY shit up I guess…

Again?!? Really? Geez, it just seems like I mean less and less. I was once told that whatever it was that I saw in you is now dead. But I just can’t leave it at that.

I should be happy for you, happy that you’re happy.

I’m not happy for you.

I want you to be miserable. I want you to fail. I want anything to happen to you that might make you think of me again. In my head I guess I think that bad things happening to you will remind you of how good it was WITH me.

But I guess that’s just wishful thinking. Who knows (except you) how happy you were in my life (or me in yours)?

Granted that all of these thoughts and feelings make me look completely insane. And well, if I really gave a damn, I wouldn’t be posting this now would I?

Deranged,
    MJR

I’ve got a lot more than some. And I should be happy. Annnd, in a way, I am :)